Poem: "Clown Paint" by Alan Lisanti

Clown Paint
Alan Lisanti

I wonder how it took them so long and they still haven't figured it out
The feigned smiles and laughter
Deflect bullets like samurai swords
In a swirl of calculated dismantlement
It's how I dodge rain drops and lightning in storm swells
How I evade the cold kiss of eternal slumber like an infallible warrior on the front lines of this one man army campaign
Through gritted teeth, I'm going to proclaim numbness is an antidote
And prove it poised upon this tightrope livewire
My balance is profound and obnoxious to the sway of my form in the physical
And nothing like the concealed torture of ping pong that befalls me beneath the exterior
Haul away the safety nets before the crescendo
I'm confident I don't need such petty checks and balances
Don't tell me the whispers tucked between the lines don't coincide
With the surest words that flee from my parched lips
I'm preoccupied with distractions because I'm "sure" advice is easier to give than to receive, and I can be the "hero" in this toxic world of villainy
Reassure me with the lost art of gentlemenly conduct I project
Like I can't play the role
Of calm, cool, collected, and genuine
Like a kind heart and a broken soul can't coexist
Like realness just ups and dies among the many masks the interior or the exterior deem fit
No matter the lengths I've gone to
Just to conquer the unconquerable
It's apparent one just has to "live with it"
Bite down on the charades and falsities
Bite down on the pain and chronic calamities
I appease it all with my stoic wit
The secret ingredient in comedy is tragedy
So comically, tragedy cant kill me in its grip
I've circumvented destination through assassination of the navigator
Survival instincts kick in like a lifeline
I'm laughing back from the throes of combustion
Destruction, disassembly, repaired by shattered notions
Tip toe amidst the ether
Disturb the tranquil peaces
Til I'm not so sure these pieces even fit
Adaptation like the laws of nature
I'm so certain make no sense in this senselessness
Cyclical, ghost soul, shadow dancer
Gone cynical-never forfeited
For dishonesty in the sense of sureness
Oddity, outcast, human, flawed and reckless
Just like the rest of them
Don't praise me for the sanctity of secrets
Kept beyond the obvious
I'm dwarf star in reverse
Anti-matter reincarnated for now
For as long as I can buy time
Through bargains and persuasions
The picador, merrymaker, humorist
Or maybe just the fool
Blinded by dualities
Blinded by instability
With eyes wide open
Steady, and sturdily
Casting my torn sails to the torrents
Of the trixter called the wind