With Samantha Coolidge, Ryan Dalton and Natalie Himmelberger
Written by Bando Glutz
Directed by Mark Polonia
Distributed by Polonia Brothers Entertainment
Release date: May 23, 2023
I recently hit up Tubi to see what was available of the cheesy and B- variety. I was instantly drawn in by a movie called “Cocaine Shark” that was released in 2023. Now—I knew this was probably going to be terrible but with a title like Cocaine Shark how can you not give it a view? I mean—I have heard of that Cocaine Bear movie or whatever it was called so I figured this was some kind of mockbuster playing off that film’s success…but after watching I only have a few things to state.
Without question this was one of the worst movies I have ever perused. I expected B-…but the truth is it is a lot closer to Z--. “Cheaply made” is even a stretch as the film appeared to be thrown together on a two dollar budget. A lot of it didn’t make sense—and although there was a “hallucinogenic” drug in the movie—there was actually no cocaine in the film to speak of! I don’t smoke weed anymore but I think this movie’s only saving grace would be to watch it while completely ossified with your friends just so you can tear it apart for how truly awful it is.
In closing—no I would never watch this again. It did have a few good (although still really bad) monster and “face melting” effects but in the long run I’d leave this one off of your watch list. The only reason I finished the film was because I figured it might have a few laughs (it actually did in parts) but as I said this one was mostly (almost entirely?) a dud. Oh! And the cover doesn’t even relate to the movie! Zoinks! -Devin J. Meaney