PROBED IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE
Fiction by Devin Joseph Meaney
Knark was a grey alien, and today was going to be his first day performing a probe on a human subject. He had watched his parents perform probes in the past, but this was the first time he was going to do it by himself. He had been involved with cow abductions, but he had yet to work with a human. Knark's cold black eyes showed no emotion, but in his three hearts, he could feel the warmth of anticipation.
After filling up his stomach with the meat of various space oddities, he parted from the station that was currently behind Jupiter in his newer model flying saucer. This model could travel almost twice as fast as the model his parents had, and could warp to the planet Earth in about nine Earth seconds. Still slow in comparison to the luxury models, but it was perfect for what Knark needed it for.
Knark zoomed through the universe at top speed, listening to the inter-galactic radio station on his universal transmitter. He would soon be hovering above planet Earth, and picking out his test subject would be no easy task. On Earth, there were these people the earthlings called ''stoners.'' They smoked a green plant that made them giggle and act funny. These people were usually the first targets for a probing as they never really did put up much of a fight. They just kind of pointed at the flying saucer with red eyes saying ''woah, man'' until they were beamed up into the innards of the ship. Nobody ever believed these people were actually abducted, as stoners were known to tell tall tales. This was always good for the grey aliens.
When he reached earth, Knark found a man standing in the middle of a cornfield. ''Perfect,'' said Knark to himself as he got ready to beam the man aboard. He tried to teleport the man on board, but his computer screen was telling him that no organic life form could be found. He tried and tried again, but to no avail. After a few more attempts, he finally realized that this was not a man at all. It was something that human beings called a ''scarecrow.'' A makeshift false-man that was used to scare away birds.
Knark flew around the entire planet six or seven times before he finally found a suitable probing subject. There was a man sitting on a park bench in a place known as Central Park, so Knark scooped him up as quick as he could. He had his saucer set to stealth mode, so no other humans would be able to see his craft. Once on board the saucer, the human seemed to be confused as to how he got there.
Knark gleefully shot the human with a tranquilizer dart, then continued to strap him to a table. The human was still partially conscious, but it was good enough for Knark. Humans were only animals, and for science, Knark did not mind making the sacrifice. A little pain never killed anyone. (Knark was not aware that humans had an adverse reaction to pain.)
The human screamed in sedated agony as Knark peeled layers of skin from him for a biopsy. The human screamed again as the vitreous fluid was sucked from his eyes with an elongated needle for testing. Knark was having an amazing time studying, but the human did not feel the same way. Knark removed a few of the human's fingertips and toes to figure out how they worked. He could have just asked his parents, be he really wanted to find out for himself.
The man started frothing at the mouth, but Knark just washed his saliva away with a cloth and proceeded to remove the man's teeth one at a time. He removed his tongue and put it in a petri dish, swiftly putting it in his freezer room so that it would be kept nice and fresh. After poking and prodding around with the man's innards for about an hour or so, Knark decided that it was finally time for the grand finale. It was time to start the probe.
The man shrieked and made a grimace as the probe was inserted. (You know where.) For about an hour the man yelled in pain, but Knark just continued to delve into his scientific exploration. Knark loved his studies, he really enjoyed learning. After running dozens of tests, Knark finally decided that he was done with his subject. The pain-filled mass of human flesh-waste was then ejected from the ship via the garbage hatch. The still living remains of the man were now destined to float around space for all eternity, with the dozens of other subjects his parents had tested in the past. Knark did not realize his cruelty, as greys were not emotion-filled beings. Science was their only mission.
Just as soon as he came, Knark departed from Earth and headed back to the space station that was orbiting Jupiter. His stomach was rumbling in hunger, and he was desperately craving a space-soda. (It's the same as an Earth soda, except it's in space.) His reptilian girlfriend would be waiting at home and he didn't want to keep her waiting.
In the name of science, Knark did a good job. With tunes blaring, he shot across the universe in his saucer, loving every second of the ride. His first probe was a success. Seven seconds later, he arrived at Jupiter.
Home sweet home.